Joined: 08 Aug 2003 Posts: 205 Location: Assisi, Italy
Posted: Sat May 08, 2004 10:34 am Post subject:
Dear Guest,
Beautiful graphics - well done!
Too bad your text is weak.
You use The Classic Mistaken Approach that 90% of all web sites make!
What's that?
---
Welcome to...
We do this, we do that, we we we, us us us, our our our...
---
I'll be frank, nobody gives a damn about what you do, they want to know what's in it for THEM. And it is best if it isn't inferred, but direct towards your visitor.
To show you what I mean, you write:
Quote:
Welcome to efier.com - Your Source for an Awesome Vacation!
You are inferring that they will get an awesome vacation with your services - just say it!...
Discover How to Get A Breath Taking Awesome Vacation, Saving Up to 70%, From Highly Professional And Verified Agents Offering Top Service That Will Inspire Your Own Heart Felt Raving Testimonial To Others, And Keep You Coming Back Again And Again.
Then give them a couple of raving testimonials here.
Take away your WE.... sentences, and make them BENEFIT sentences...
How to..., Discover..., Save..., Get..., Receive..., Uncover..., etc.
Then at the end, give them a very clear call to action.
Click here to get our free information brochure on incredible vacation packages that are currently at record discounts, but don't hesitate, they are going fast!
(I just made that up - you know what you have to offer, give them something to get them so jazzed that they can't help but click.)
I hope this helps,
Timothy Warnock _________________ Timothy Warnock
Copywriter
Last edited by Timothy Warnock on Sat May 08, 2004 5:25 pm; edited 1 time in total
I totally agree with Tim; he really knows what he's talking about. Remove all the 'We's and 'Our's and tell your visitors about how they benefit. I did fall into the same trap, and Tim really helped me a lot. Still need to take the time to rewrite according to Tim, though, but I will do it...
Your site is really nice, rewrite it with focus on the reader.
Seeing that Puerto Vellarta ad on your site really brought back memories of my two visits there: fishing, snorkling and enjoying real good mex food...
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