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DatabaseDesigner
Joined:
17 Nov 2003
Posts:
665
Location:
Norway
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Posted: Thu Apr 15, 2004 12:01 am
Post subject: My turn to get help...
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Hello, friends,
I need your help: I have been adviced to advertise my services, and I have set up a page: However, am I doing it right here? May I have your comments of any kind: Writing, style, spelling, targeting, or whatever? Is this the right approach to selling your services on the Net, or where do I go wrong? Any opinon appreciated.
BTW: I want plain thruth: The aim is success, not sympathy/comforting words 
I also want comments/critiques on the wording (sales copy) on the page: How can I do better...
http://www.databasedesign-resource.com/database-design-workshop.html
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DatabaseDesigner
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Debs
Joined:
16 Aug 2003
Posts:
4296
Location:
NY
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Posted: Thu Apr 15, 2004 12:44 am
Post subject:
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| Quote: | | The international market for database training courses are rapidly expanding |
The International Market is expanding, not the training courses, so it should be "is" not "are"
| Quote: | | The aim of my database design workshop is to bring you and your participants to a higher level of understanding how sound principles in an early stage of a development process will cause you to have high-performing relational databases up and running trouble-free. |
That is a sentence to stumble over, can you clean it up? I had to read it 3 times before it made sense to me.
| Quote: | | This planning process means no obligations on your part. |
Should be obligation not obligations.
Now, I did what I could  I am no sales copy guru. But have you tried submitting this page to Tim Warnock's site for review? He would provide an excellent sales review, I am sure, and I know he would be much more in tune with the subject matter than I am
My feeling is that there are too many me/my and not enough "benefits" for the target customer. I also think bullet points may work well in a couple sections, listing of costs, listing of materials provided, listing of benefits,
I also think you need to put your CV online and link to it from the page, let them know about you, and what you know, your experience, etc. in a more concise manner than their having to view your entire site, let them check your references, etc. if they are so inclined.
Hope this helps a little.
Debs
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DatabaseDesigner
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665
Location:
Norway
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